I thought he was different from the hell I had lived prior to him. Told me it was good for me to have my own friends, later he told me I didn’t need friends because I had him. How much he appreciated my fitness goals- later to use against me, either I was doing it for someone other than myself or I looked like a man.
Today I wrote about something different, it’s a condensed version of surviving through domestic violence aka Hell. It felt fitting that struggles come in all shapes and sizes and different eyes, this isn’t my only abusive relationship but it was the one I had enough energy to speak out about for now.
I remember when he would light candles for us to go to bed and I thought he was so romantic and different. Later he lit himself up before bed, raping me at his will.
I remember when he listened to me talk about my bad times with my ex before him, the abuse and the rape and he swore he’d never be that way, then he turned out just the same.
I remember the times we danced in the kitchen, then he danced mind games over my brain, so I was so lost I felt empty beside him.
Being with an abusive man is a special type of hell, add in narcissist and its things you couldn’t believe are true. No matter how hard you try, you just are never good enough. The time we spent together was perfect to the public, to his family and friends. Had I never questioned or asked about things, they would have never even known. They still don’t know the ways he would threaten me, raped me and how he dragged my self-confidence and worth through the mud and buried it under the depths of the earth.
He had the best thing handed to him on a silver platter. A pre-made family with a girl who worshipped him and did her best, but it turns out you can’t turn a boy into a man and he let the best slip away.
I ended it in the first year because I couldn’t withstand the abuse, I didn’t want my kids to grow up and think this is how you treat women. But I let it start again, I felt stupid, so damn stupid. It’s not uncommon though it generally takes women 6 tries to leave or end it, in domestic violence relationships. The third chance started out good, I thought he had changed, but he got worse, he began threatening to hit me, he took out his stress on me. Through anger, blame or sex. Ending with holes in the walls, when I wasn’t good enough at walking on the eggshells to stop the destruction and hate. I ended it for good. He stalked me, harassed me and put death threats on me. I wanted to charge him, but I was scared for my life, for my children after his threats to end me if I called the police. It took 8 months for me to go No Contact. I tried hard, it took counseling, time, reading research and a dozen or so times going NC, but it happened, and I haven’t replied in 5 months. Its been over a year since I broke up with him and 6 months since I have seen him. This time has given me some dark times, low and sometimes scary times within my head. I will always have scars. However, it taught me so much, about my life, about my own mind. I changed, he might have thought he broke me and for a time I sure thought he did too. I rebuilt my pieces, I rebuilt myself differently this time, he wouldn’t like this version. I no longer am a yes girl, I am stronger than I have ever been, and no one is going to slow me from chasing my goals and sharing my voice to make a difference. Because I deserve to love myself regardless of my flaws, I deserve to trust myself and I deserve to do what makes me happy.
I stand tall in knowing I survived things that were meant to kill me, I will be a voice for those who cannot talk, and I will one day make a difference. I end this with a poem I wrote for a class but is about surviving this. I will probably write again about this if it’s not your thing- don’t read. If you are going through this or have escaped? Contact me if you want to, I will do my best to help.
He didn’t hit me this time, it was just the sharp edge of his tongue
So, it wasn’t abuse, right?
He told me I’m worthless and just trash
He knows me so well- it must be true right?
Turns out its all abuse and control
I’ve been brainwashed and feel hopeless
I tread carefully on the eggshells careful not to break another
Maybe this time I can make him happy again and he won’t hate me
How do I get up to run away? When fear has my feet in cement
To be his punching bag to use as he sees fit
When I know the end will be dangerous and his threats of killing me- may not be fake
I am convinced I am crazy, that I somehow deserve this, that this is it for me.
I see a slight ray of light, I slowly reach out for help
After too many holes in the walls, after too many fists shoved into my face
I started an even bigger battle, I leave and think its finally over
How stupid was I to believe he would go away quietly, that I would be free?
Stalking, harassment, threats start as he’s lost his power and control
This stretch of time is terrifying, the threats and harsh words make me cringe
My safety in danger and having to have a plan a-z just to be sure
I should have called the police, I should have reported you, but I was afraid for my life
I keep fighting the battle, getting help, stayed strong and stand tall- one day I will be free
Let’s change the world, let’s be loud and create awareness on Domestic Violence
So, it becomes a sad fact in a history text and not appearing in the news daily
Always a fighter, never a victim. Be a survivor, not a statistic.
Be The Inspiration
Self-love~ Health~ Change