Life is messy…

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I aim to post a blog two times a week, I have so far been able to keep on the Tuesday and Thursday. Here we now are, and it is Friday.

There is something I want to write about, I have the idea to do so, but then life happened. I wanted to explain my week. Because as much as I am a push forward, fuck it, type of person,

I also struggle with control issues. I assume I have control issues because I have been controlled for so long, that I must control every aspect of my life that I can. Guess what? Life is messy and sometimes it straight up sucks!

The above quote by Rocky Balboa is actually in my garage gym, I know how capable life is at knocking you down, bringing you to your knees and savagely trying to make you give up. But you just can’t!

So here is my week

Tuesday, I had to do some errands in the rain which sucked, but I don’t have to shovel rain! On my way to an appointment, I was hit by a truck, hit and run. I reported it to the police and was told I will be added as a statistic. I sobbed most of the day, I was ok, aches and pain. Turns out I was in shock, which lasted awhile. I have PTSD and the trauma of the hit and run has turned my brains into scrambled eggs or so that is how it feels.

Wednesday, I woke up and almost fell out of bed, the aches and pains in my pelvis, knees, and back were worse. I got the kids to school and upon urging I went to the ER. 4 hours and x-rays later, nothing was broken, just bruised and my body slightly out of alignment or something. He told me I couldn’t work out till Monday at the earliest, terrible news to a person who is addicted to fitness, as well I couldn’t physically exert myself, so I shouldn’t go to school until Monday. Panic is a hell of a thing, I panicked thinking I will fail everything, that I won’t be good enough, the control thing really took over and hurt my brain more. I’ve emailed all my profs and I have it under control. I got home from the ER and my youngest child had a fever because when it rains it pours.

Thursday I couldn’t get an appointment with the DR so up to the clinic we went and x-rays later- believed to have pneumonia. I can honestly say this week has seriously sucked, there is no other way to look at it. However, we will push onward and things have to be better next week or the week after.

The actual main point I was going for this blog was to talk about positive affirmations. I may be too real, but when I write everything must pour out and I could edit and block out my sucky week, but hey that’s not how life really is! We can’t just edit out the parts we didn’t like.

Positive affirmation’s- they feel silly at first. I wrote out dozens, wrapped them in packing tape (super cheap lamination) and pinned them up in my kitchen those ones so my kids can see them, they can know somewhere in the back of their head that they have heard or seen this over and over.

“You are worthy”

“you are unique”

“You deserve the love you give to others”

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Upon several others, my oldest who can read- see’s these and I hope it helps him as much as I think they helped me. After my ex tore me apart and I thought he broke me, a good friend suggested the post its, I thought it was stupid. A year later and they are still up, I don’t always read them now, but last year every time I got to the mirror I would run over them, I’m not fat, I am not weak, I am not ugly, I am not everything HE fucking said I was!

I devoted last year to never talking to myself negativity and after 20 years of doing so? It was quite the habit to break, I had to think to myself “no, no- is that how you would talk to your best friend?” no it wasn’t and for a good half the year I had to pretend I was talking to my best friend and not myself. It worked, I had my moments- still do. But I worked hard at it, stopping the negative talk and laying the foundation for self-confidence, it was hard, I am better for it though. No one is going to take that from me again, I won’t let that happen.

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^I also have this one, written in my room, I read it every day before leaving. Its above where I keep my keys, things to leave the house. I have read it every day before leaving for the day for a year, it has helped a lot.

Life is messy, life happens, it tries to derail the best of us. You just gotta get back on the train and continue onward the tracks, because of life, self-love, change, and health? All of it is on-going.

Have a great weekend, and if its sucky? Don’t worry- it’ll suck less on Monday. Xo

Be The Inspiration

Self-love~ Change~ Health

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