The number games

 

I know when I started my weight loss journey at 280 lbs, I believed that I would hit 170 lbs and I would be so happy! I would just become like self-confident on that number and things would be all puppies and sunshine.

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Hard Reality

It didn’t happen that way, I reached 170 lbs and I was not any happier, I didn’t magically gain all these things mentally I thought would happen. This magic number I had looked toward for over a year? It was literally nothing but a number. I thought I chose the wrong number, so I continued to push further and went down to 145 lbs. At 5’7 it didn’t look good on me, I wasn’t happy- actually, I was miserable. I lost all curves, no booty, no chest, nothing. I cried a lot more, I was truly unhappy.

I was a full cardio queen, cardio, cardio, cardio and some HIIT. I never really picked up weights or did any such resistance training. I didn’t know enough- I knew cardio so I went with that. If I would have had the opportunity for a personal trainer at this time it probably would have boosted my knowledge along a bit.

 

I hit a wall, for months upon months, I couldn’t lose any more weight and I wasn’t happy, but I thought just getting a lower number would help. I messed up my metabolism and then started research and read for weeks. I decided to pick up a set of adjustable power blocks, and I started a bulk, I went three months. As a formerly obese person, it is hard regaining weight, it’s a mind fuck at best. I continued to lift heavy and eat more, I did the bulk wrong, I wasn’t eating clean all the time, not even a good 90%/10% rule, I was 50/50 at best. I had restricted myself for so long that allowing myself to eat went crazy.

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I gained 25 lbs over the three months and was able to cut down 10 lbs or so. I struggled through life things and took control of my diet in a different way, I stopped eating. I ate enough to survive my days, 800-1200 calories. I won’t lie I loved it, I loved how in control I felt, I love how empty I felt. I did this for 18 months while working out just as hard as ever, I gained 10 lbs. I know how it happens- your body is all like “hang on to everything we don’t know when she will eat again!” but it still never made sense. A Dr. told me if I didn’t start eating more, I would have to stop working out.

I adjusted again and kept going forward. I will talk about eating disorders on another blog. Finding weightlifting, saved my life. It just makes me a better person. I would like to lose 10-20 lbs, but I know it will come. Through eating clean and training the way that I LOVE, has changed my perspective. I compare pictures where I weighed less, but now I built muscle, I built a booty, the weights helped me see that I am more than a number. I grew inside tremulously, I became more self-confident and I felt so much better about my body.

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Sure, I have days where I am like ugh, but don’t we all? Isn’t that what this journey is? You aren’t happy all the time, but you do your best.

I still get scale obsessed, I only weigh once a month, because I know I mentally cannot handle it. That’s ok if it hurts your self-worth? Don’t do it!

I take measurements monthly, and it helps to have different measurements of how you are doing. I take bi-weekly to monthly pictures, you honestly can think maybe you aren’t doing good enough or that one cheat meal was the end of you. Then you compare pictures from 2 weeks ago and you see “Hey its ok, I am on the right track” This isn’t a sprint, it won’t happen overnight. The journey is hard, but its so fucking worth it!  I promise.

But your worth isn’t displayed on a scale, the number generally lies (she’s an evil bitch) because it never accounts for muscle mass, water weight, etc. I find it good to check in once a month to make sure I am on the right track and doing what is best for my body, but at the end of the day, that is what you must do. What feels right for your body, so no the chocolate you ate isn’t going to set you back, but if it makes you feel like shit then take that into consideration.

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Life isn’t always beautiful, it is messy and chaotic at best, but transforming your body and changing your health? It is never too late, it is never too hard, you can do it. Just believe in yourself, believe in your ability. I believe in you as well, because I know that everyone can have this power and determination to them.

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Be The Inspiration

Self- Love~ Health~ Change

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