When you are feeling like you’re at the bottom of hell, you see the tunnel but haven’t a clue if there is a light or not- it feels hopeless. I know this feeling all too well and I have been sitting there at the bottom of the pit, wondering why I am even here. I wondered what I was doing on this earth. I thought about ending it, I really put thought into that aspect. A year ago, well 14 months if you want to be exact.
I was there, sitting alone, consumed by all the darkness. I didn’t believe anything could change, I had left an abusive relationship and was surviving in my own way from the slaughter of harassment that ensued. I thought life was hopeless, I wasn’t going anywhere, I wasn’t doing anything, I was just breathing.
I’m not sure the day where I decided to change, where I decided I didn’t want to sit in the pit anymore, I got up and started to climb out, crawling and clawing at best. I applied for school after figuring out what I wanted to do, decided to chase my dream job even though you need to be outgoing and I am such an introvert.
I waited for school to start, I jumped all the hoops and did all the things asked of me so I could go. I picked up weightlifting again, made my own gym in my garage. After months of being told I was worthless, no one would want me and that I looked like a man because I lift. These words fueled every rep for awhile, every time I wanted to give up- I was in that garage lifting something. I can say that I changed my life for the better, but I can tell you something and a few people? They saved me, they became a constant that I needed in my life.
I started counseling, the way this person helped change my life, I am forever grateful. Having someone outside your own life, believe you? Know that you aren’t crazy, know that you were conditioned and were living in survival mode and a touch of Stockholm syndrome- where you love your abuser but can’t understand why. This person listened to me talk, cry, be angry and just listened, I am thankful I made the step to get help.
I have met a couple incredible people in the last year,
I have reconnected with someone I never thought I’d see again, I appreciate them more than I can ever say.
My best friend, god how she puts up with me? I’ll never know, I am needy, I over text, I sent the same bullshit over and over. She never faltered, she never told me off, she was just there, another constant who never left me, I couldn’t imagine my life without her because she believed in me, she knew I would overcome this abuse, I would see the other side, even if I could only see the bottom. I love her, she is amazing.
I have had a couple people stay in my life, who I thought would leave, they are angels in disguise. They believe in me in a way no one ever has, they are the type of people you dream of having the chance to look up to.
I started school, I thought I was old af and dumb, but I pushed onward. I made goals, I made HUGE goals to reach. I was successful in going no contact with my last abuser, I was able to see life clearer, I was able to start to feel again. Fear is just a step away, but I still stand tall. I decided in a split second one day that I would become an advocate for domestic violence, even if I didn’t know how it is a goal I will reach.
School & being a single mom, easy peasy lemon squeezy right? Ha HA HA ha but I push through, and I do everything possible for those boys because they are my world. I do this for them so they can be proud of the person I am becoming.
I had all these ideas, I didn’t know what to put them in. I knew I wanted to inspire others, I knew I wanted to provide customer service better than I was getting for fitness and motivational clothing. I became obsessed with research, reading for weeks, months. I decided on my brand name Be The Inspiration, I know I have a blog about this brand already, but if you looked at me a year ago? I would never believe you, that I would have not just one change, but many. I would never have believed you if you said I would be pulling the best grades I can achieve in school, training every morning, doing my best as a mom, and creating a clothing line. I would have said you are crazy.
The fact is, you can leave the pit of hell, you can crawl and claw your way out, doesn’t matter who put you there. You have the power within to get out. You can make changes, to say I’m going to do something bigger than me, I am going to change not only my little world but I will try my best to change the whole world.
Be The Inspiration
Self Love~ Health ~ Change