Today I am exhausted, but for different reasons than I was a year ago. Today I am exhausted because being busy is my biggest vice, I’d rather choke on greatness than swallow being mediocre.
However, this is what makes my world spin, it makes me who I am. when am I busy? I don’t get into my own mind and its working for me. I mean I attend therapy and go to counseling. I hate being stuck in my own mind, it’s not a pretty place yet. I am working on getting there but this is still an empty map trying to find my way to paradise.
I can tell you that a year ago? I was exhausted because I was living day to day in survival mode, for so long that my body didn’t know how to react anymore except if I was under fire. I was conditioned to act and feel a certain way.
^ this picture, is the analogy that a counselor used on me the first few sessions, it made complete sense why I felt I loved my abuser but couldn’t for the life of me figure out why.
Fight or flee, there is another defense mechanism that we have it’s called freeze. It’s ingrained in us, from a very long time ago when people had to hide from big animals for their safety. I’ve rolled through all three.
Recovery is different for everyone; several people get to reach out to groups and have support through a higher power and the support of strangers who become friends. I haven’t found a support group for domestic violence survivors, people who have gone non-contact from their narcissist abuser, it’s just not a thing. Stigma I guess, shrouding the survivors. Or maybe people believe you just get out and boom your good, you don’t have bleeding scars on your mind and on your soul. You don’t suffer from Stockholm syndrome or anything like that.
I have come so far on this journey, I don’t live in a constant mode of survival, ready for the worst at every corner. I still am afraid, it lives within.
I have symptoms from the PTSD, from the years of abuse. I sure can tell you what a year has taught me though.
People only abuse you? If they feel like fucking pieces of shit themselves because a decent human being? Doesn’t destroy another.
Toxic people? You can cut them out, at best you can go low contact and not deal with their shit, especially if it inhibits your progress of your recovery.
You become more aware, you can spot people from further away that they will hurt you, you become disappointed in learning people aren’t who you thought but you can move on because if they aren’t helping your journey? They don’t support you? Drop em you don’t need it.
I can tell you I hold onto being a perfectionist and I know this stems from a very long time ago, I know that the reinforcement of being beat for not being perfect didn’t help.
I can also tell you, that some days? I don’t do dishes and I no longer fear the outcome.. well maybe the giant ass stack of dishes I’ll have to do the next day.
I run on my own time now, I don’t cater to anyone else except my children.
I know that fitness has saved my life more than most things, I know that the gym and one other place is the only place in the world I feel safe.
I know I am stronger than I was before, outside because I lift heavy things a lot, but inside I have become a person I wouldn’t want to be on the bad side of.
I know I am a little more jaded than I was before because I don’t give out second or third chances anymore. You fuck up? I’m out.
I learned I’ll never put 90% into a relationship that I’m getting max 10% out of, doesn’t matter if it’s a relationship or a friendship.
I know now that I deserve to be heard, try to shut me up- I dare ya.
I know what I bring to the table, I know what I am capable of, I know that I am perfectly fine with myself- so I’m not afraid to eat alone.
Over the last year? I learned more and more what I was worth.
Once a person learns their worth? They’re fucking unstoppable.
Don’t let anyone push you down, put you under their thumb, make you a puppet.
Never forget your worth if you know it already- that shit is hard to relearn.
Never give up fighting the battles within, never give up trying to find your self-worth.
Because I promise its worth it, you’re beautiful inside and out.
Self-love? Its hard and different reasons for different people, but it’s needed.
Health isn’t just the absence of disease- it’s a whole dimeson of wellness- make sure you are aiming to meet a bit of all of them.
Change? You know you got the power within, to change something, anything you aren’t happy with? You got this, you can make that change.
Take today- Inspire another
Be The Inspiration
Self-love~ Health~ Change