Honesty

Honesty- something we all look for in others, right? I mean we expect others to be honest with us, relationships, friendships, our children we want everyone to be honest.

But how often are we honest with ourselves?

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I know I’m not, I want to be, but I don’t really look at myself as hard as I could. I am doing my best to deal with past shit and work through it with professional help.

The present, I walk tall everywhere I go, I hold my built wall in front of 99% of people. I add an extra wall for anyone who isn’t in my top 8 people I feel comfortable with.

I look at myself and I see someone who isn’t perfect, isn’t doing everything right, who can’t get everything done. Who can sit on the floor and literally cry over spilled juice because my kid spills everything ever and most people don’t know what it’s like to be a single mom who’s dedicated to her kids, one with disabilities who only has me- that weight? Exhausts me to my core, how do you be the best he needs when you can only do your best which never fucking feels like its enough.

I load my plate, bigger than most people think of doing, it’s because I don’t have to be in my head if I am busy, I don’t have to flashback to the hell that can be my mind and I don’t have time to think about I can barely keep the façade together.

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I think of things, I shouldn’t. I let the darkness creep in the corners of my mind sometimes.

To be honest with ourselves, we can identify our strengths and our weaknesses, chasing goals and wanting to make change is fucking fabulous- really it is. If you knew where you really needed to work on or what you can’t change wouldn’t that be better?

To let go of the stuff you can’t change- if anyone knows how to do this? Let me know ok? Because it’s super hard.

I can tell you my weaknesses:

I need to control everything, I have a very hard time giving up independence. Why would I rely on another person? Everyone generally walks away or dies.

I control how hard I workout, how clean my house is (not while in school it kinda takes the hit there) how I eat or don’t eat. However out of this control need, I have become organized better than most people, and I bet I have more lists than you.

I hardly ever feel good enough.

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I have impostor syndrome aka imposter phenomenon. I don’t understand when things go well for me, if something good happens I don’t understand why it is happening to me, I believe it’s a joke, or if it happens to be a person they’ll get irritated by me and leave. I expect the worst in every situation, because at least when it happens I won’t be surprised, doesn’t make it hurt less but takes away the jazz of it at the end.

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This blog was sparked by a conversation having nothing to do with the deep mess of what this blog has now become.

I realized, although through my fitness journey I have stayed almost the same inside which was important to me some people become a different person. But, painfully so that I still don’t see the progress I have made on the outside.

However, somewhere along the way this happened, I realized I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t give a fuck about themselves and its true. Which I assume makes me sound shallow af. I dedicate time to workout, I train hard, intense and I have the dedication it takes in the gym. (my fucked-up relationship with food where I don’t eat forever is the problem) I don’t know why this realization bothers me, enough to be rambling on about it.

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I can’t always see my strengths, but I know I never give up, I can’t be put down for long because I always get the fuck back up and just keep fighting.

I know I give 110% in everything I do, I don’t half-ass anything.

 

 

I know my weaknesses lie within mental health and self-love, I know where I need to make changes to strengthen the rest. That is why I challenge you, to look within and hey make a list of your strengths, your weaknesses because what better way to change? To become a better version of yourself?

There is only one you, why not make it the best fucking version?

There is only one life, we’re all gonna die, why not make the best of it?

Time is going to pass by, doesn’t matter if you’re not chasing goals, working towards your dreams or if you’re doing fuck all with your life the thing is, time doesn’t care.

Look past your excuses, dig deep, change something little, & inspire another

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Be The Inspiration

Self-Love~ Health~ Change

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