How far I’ll go

Week 15, almost done my first year and I never thought I would get here, that I would see the final week of the first year done. In August 2017, few weeks prior to starting school, there was a lot of jumps, a lot of hoops, walls popping up and halting me to where I was going. There was the past crawling down my throat and making my mind lose hope, the darkness came and there was the answer. I saw the dark tunnel and I knew within it was what needed to happen, I saw no other choice, I calculated how much I could get for all my belongings to see if I could cover the cost of my disposal. Who thinks like that? Who plans their end so well that everyone would be taken care of, I would be gone, and the disposal of my body would be paid for.

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Perfectionists who can’t see a reason to be I suppose. I clearly didn’t follow through, but I spent weeks in that spot, even starting school it was so surreal I couldn’t believe it I listened to the Moana soundtrack a lot in those weeks, which seems ridiculous really, but I just listened to the words over and over and it gave me a shred of hope, very small but it was there. I bought myself a Moana figure for when I am done school regardless of marks, regardless of how good I deem myself, it is for surviving, making it through, making it the year and Not ever giving up, never fully returning to the plan I had made.

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I couldn’t believe that something was going in the right direction for me. I put the plan on hold, put it on the back burner and dove head first into the chaos I call life.

I won’t lie I really didn’t make many friends in school, but a single mom, to two kids I don’t have the time to socialize, I don’t have the time to go out, I’m much older than 98% of the students in my program. I did connect with some amazing teachers and I am sad that I will have to part with them going into the second year. I can’t believe I have reached the end of the first year, I know its here, I am writing my last final today and then I am done- anxiously awaiting marks of course but done. I was hard on myself, but I always am, if anyone could be a better critic of me I’d love to compare notes. I hardly ever impress myself. I chalk it up to something else and don’t give myself any credit.

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The biggest thing that I am proud of? Isn’t that I am achieving great marks, 100s only go so far when a 76 devastates you. It isn’t that I managed to keep tiny humans alive while also doing all the homework and going to classes. It isn’t even that I did all that plus I still attended therapy and counseling- though that kicked my ass a lot harder than everything else. It wasn’t that I was able to keep the house tidy and mostly clean, it has nothing to do with the fact that I still did adulty stuff.

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The biggest thing I am proud of is that I have completed my first year of school and I never missed a workout. I never stopped training, sometimes it was shorter, some days I was exhausted to the bone, some days I thought about it- not working out. The 5-6 am’s come early and they come quickly after a long night of homework and studying but I still got out there and smashed the workout, I got it done, I made no excuses. This is what I am most proud of, and maybe its because someone told me for so long that I would never be able to be a student, a single mom and still be working out.

Seems like a funny thing to be proud of when I can’t be proud of anything else I have accomplished, but those things will come, I am sure they will.

I do know that I need to deep clean my house, next week that is what I am doing. I am also researching and practicing on a new idea I have for the business.

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As well as working on the new designs to drop in May, and my giveaway which will happen mid-ish May, so if you’re not following me on Facebook check out the link in the I think it’s on the side of this blog. I am doing a giveaway with my best friend who sells Scentsy, for self-care. It will be an awesome giveaway and I’m looking forward to promoting it and being able to make someone smile brighter that day.

I know one of my goals this year was to focus on self-care, keep my cup at least half full and put on my oxygen mask first. Kind of went out the window in the chaos and I will be working on replenishing that again, I have a stack of books I want to read, cleaning is like therapy for me it helps my anxiety not as much as working out or boxing, but it does help.

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The thing about self-care is that it helps promote self-love, and in the end, that’s all I am aiming for really. Is for someone to read the words I write, knowing they aren’t alone, it’s the me-too piece, everyone can tell you that you are silly, stupid or you have so much to live for, but not many are going to just simply say me too. I get you. This is the hardest thing in life and separates if you know empathy or you just sympathize with someone.

Promoting self-love is my goal, helping someone see that they can take control of their health and if something I say lights the fire to turn the wheel to start the thought that starts the change that makes my heart happy.

 

Be a part of the inspiration

Self- love~ Health~ Change

 

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