WTF body and mind?

I haven’t written this week and now I probably will skip over the weekend, I feel terrible I LOVE the routine of 2 blogs a week, but life happens.
I had a HUGE awesome thing happen this morning, deadlift day- I PR’d at 200lbs for one rep, I have been wanting this for so long; it felt amazing.
This week I have been thinking a lot, self-reflection etc, stalling in weight loss, recovering from an eating disorder, eating habits, my next drop in my clothing line which is not going to happen mid may like I wanted, However, I will be doing a giveaway still when I launch the new designs.
Been working on those, ideas, trying to design different ideas, keeping up with my kiddos and quite frankly? I am just fucking lost without school, I feel lazy. The fact that I am not 24/7 full speed ahead busy af makes life sucky for me.

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Yesterday I cleaned the house, but I also went over my food logs from the last time I steadily lost weight, in 2015 (Yeah don’t tell me that your upset you aren’t dropping weight for a few weeks, imagine how frustrating 3 years is)
I initially lost 140 lbs, I use to be 145 lbs. I hated it, I cried A LOT. I hated the way I looked and how I had no curves or muscle, I was a cardio queen when I started lifting and counting macros and meal prepping it lead to an insane obsession with food. To the point that for over a year I ate 1000 or so calories a day, I didn’t even think I had a problem because my bones weren’t sticking out. I realize it now and I tried to keep assessing macros, analyzing the food and how much it affected me- If I was going to get fatter.

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Now I am closer to 190lbs than I’d like to be, my goal is 170-175 lbs. So I went back to what I use to eat and how I worked out. I did mostly only cardio and max was lifting 10 lbs, that’s not going to fly now for me. However I ate the same amount of calories that I do now, except- I didn’t know what a Macro was in 2015, I basically just ate every few hours, mostly healthy and in my calorie range. I was not obsessed than, I lived life than.
So I have decided until my current training plan is done in July that I will try the same approach, thanks to my best friend I have an app that goes off every 3 hours to remind me to eat. Never in 2015 could I fast for 12-24 hours and it not bother me- which makes me think that maybe that isn’t good.

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I mean the worst that can happen is I stay the same, or gain weight ( which I will check in 3 weeks to see if it’s adding weight and scale down 200 cals but I can’t go lower because than I get dizzy for my lifts)

So eat without so much stress, try to just let it go, let the fucking obsession go, I can’t control everything, I can’t change if I don’t try something different. I workout at 5-6 am but I will do my lifting in the am, and then in the evening I will be taking the kids for a walk or doing a cardio based workout with my oldest. So I can get extra cardio in without giving up- lifting.

I hope for good results, but we will see. You can’t change without jumping out of my comfort zone, also I’d really like to enjoy my life without worrying so much about food because life is fucking short and can change in a second.

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I adore the curves and booty I have built, I set out 2 years ago to build the best booty I could and I’m doing a pretty good job at it, so I believe if I can jump out of my head that I can do whatever the fuck goals I set.

Be a part of the inspiration 

Self-love~ Health~ Change

 

For everyone reading in Canada? Have an awesome long weekend- Don’t be that jackass who drinks and drives, it’s not worth it, it makes you a giant jackass, just be safe and use your brain.

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