I don’t think anyone of us can completely say that we are okay, that we haven’t had experiences that broke us just a little or people who have hurt you in many different ways.
There are just also others of us, who aren’t ok- broken at best. Functioning Brokeness- is that a thing? It should be I know I do it well and I know that there are others out there as well. We have had experiences shatter us, break our spirits, maybe a few or handful of people have come into their lives and hurt them in ways some can only imagine.
I have written about abuse before, even a little about the after, the escape and the aftermath.
It doesn’t just end, I swear I’m not sure if it ever fucking ends if I’m going, to be honest, and when have I ever been the blog to sugar coat anything?
I’m not, it’s really not who I am, Being honest and real? Raw and unfiltered? I feel it helps the most, I read other blogs and I identify with the few that are real, those address things that maybe we don’t always want to address.
That is one of my favorite quotes, it definitely paints a picture of the truth, of how I feel. I wasn’t going to write this blog until after tomorrow when I see my therapist, because I do want to know the technical terms of how I am thinking, how my mind has been working, I want to fucking know what the fuck is wrong with the way I have been thinking, I want to know if I am fucking crazy or maybe I’m just a masochist.
There are days now that I seem to miss the abuse, the control, the past, I want to assume that it has nothing to do with the actual activities and more to do with the fact that unknown circumstances that I am facing now are fucking terrifying, I don’t know what is going to happen in this relationship, I don’t think I am important anymore to that person, I know that I am to myself so there is that HUGE difference from the past. I think it has more to do with the safety in the known when you encounter an abusive person they are all basically the same, they just have different levels and angles that not everyone would understand but I do. I get it because I have lived it, over 4 times.
Catching feelings for someone after you only know abuse, you only know the feeling of being put down, of being the source from someone’s every emotion is fucking weird, it takes a very long time to get used to, if you ever can? I still don’t know.
If you feel unwanted, or you no longer matter anymore, it’s weird because it hurts, but it also is confusing AF because you don’t know if they just don’t care or if you have done something. Communication lacks hard here, huge HUGE part of it. However with an abusive person, if they withdraw from you, especially anyone that is also a narcissist monster, you feed their ego, you dot on them, you do your time and things return to how they were before; before you rocked the boat, but real relationships aren’t like that. They aren’t built on a system where you have to reward someone for doing something they didn’t like. Abusive people work that way, thus I wonder if I am crazy or I miss the routine of the known.
Maybe, people who have had tremendous emotional abuse, verbal and other ways they need to be reassured more so than the average person, which I’m sure isn’t easy for most to handle, they probably assume the person is too much to handle and walk away.
I love not living under someone’s thumb
I love not having to wonder what I did
I love not having to walk on eggshells to save my bones and fragments within my mind
I love that I don’t have to be exactly perfect with every single household chore so that I don’t feel the wrath of the alcohol filled person
I do truly, I love being free, I fear the unknown of what isn’t a twenty-year routine. It’s easy to get into the life of abuse and stay there forever because it feels normal, it feels safe, it feels good.
It’s not somewhere you need to stay though when I figure out how to fix or help this I’ll write another blog that helps if I ever find the answers.
I choose to become successful
I choose to become a fighter
I choose to become an advocate
I choose to be brave
I choose to be a voice for those who cannot speak
I choose to hide if I feel the world is too much- my choice not the abusers
I choose to live life the way I want to- not the way the past dictates I should.
Self- Love~ Health ~ Change