Honestly, I could have maybe thrown together a blog, some sort of something. I really like to write what I feel, it reads better, it is better, the reader is able to feel or imagine what I am saying.
The last 3 weeks or so, I have been missing. I know how important it is to keep up with content, I know it is. I don’t take it lightly when I decided to unplug from social media, from the constant content I aim to put out. I didn’t take it lightly when I decided I needed to take a step back, I needed to because I was being swallowed whole by my mind. Ain’t it great, your mind? it can be and it can be a total bitch.
So this blog isn’t much- only a vague explanation of what happened, where I went and I have a positive to share.
I have been trying to remember that we only have today once, we don’t get to redo this day, so try to enjoy it. Except when the dark clouds your mind? It is so fucking hard to see through the clouds to know this. Once I have figured out what I need to I will be writing a handful of blogs to explain it more, one for myself, writing definitely helps me. As well if anyone feels something similar or the same? they can know, they aren’t alone.
Learning boundaries, learning to enforce them when you haven’t had the freedom ever to do so. To the extent of helping someone for over a year.. just to have them shit on you and walk around like they are entitled to be treated like a queen or some shit.
Yeah, remember deep down? Respect is earned not given.
Making a decision which makes you feel like an idiot, inadvertently inviting the past back within your space. Cue the dark clouds and the ability to feel feelings once again. The worse kind of feelings though.
Feeling overwhelmed with something good, something that feels unbelievable, because it is so fucking hard to believe that anyone would stick out with you & your bullshit. Being able to see through your broken pieces and hold them in a way that makes you want so hard to believe and trust but the past shows you how that ends up.
Kid’s asking hard questions, ones you have no answers for. Ones you never want to hear but you get them and you just have to deal.
Most of all, I was and still am but couldn’t seem to get a grasp on it like now, mostly just so fucking tired, exhausted deep within my soul.
Different mental illness got you holed up in your own mind, unable to disengage from the walls surrounding your broken pieces. I was just unable to grasp them and hold them together again, it takes a lot out of a person to keep walking the path and getting help, holding onto your excess broken luggage. it gets heavy. AF.
Next week doesn’t look any better if I am going, to be honest, though I promise to try to write about my 5k mud obstacle course run on Saturday, so it will hopefully come out Sunday. Next week I’m focused on making more designs for the 3rd release, as well as recollecting myself to be better, to be able to manage my energy so this doesn’t happen again.
The positive note that I can add to this blog, is that my oldest son decided he would work out with me, not at 6-7 am but after dinner, sometimes before. He’s been going 5 weeks and barely complains, his strength is coming along, his form is doing well. He’s lost 3.5′ so far, which he is thrilled about.
I get a lot of flack, he will grow in puberty, he will thin out, he will do this etc. But what the actual fuck? What is wrong with establishing healthy options now? What is wrong with establishing healthy portion sizes? Establishing a healthy love for fitness now? I see nothing wrong, these tools are good for anyone and everyone. Besides physical activity makes you feel like a better person, it makes you build self-confidence, self-awareness, self-love. These things? They are fucking priceless. I inspire him apparently he says, and he inspires me to train two times a day now.