So, I have this lovely friend, she’s beautiful and smart and an amazing mama. She has a hard time loving herself, which in my mind shocks me because she is amazing and what she sees isn’t what I see.
Open your fucking brain wider Tanya. This is the exact same thing that happens to me, always, I take a lot of pictures and it is what it is. It helps me because most of the time? I don’t even recognize who’s in the pictures- that is disappointing.
( I should recognize the girl on the right, I mean I clearly know but when I look in the mirror myself? It is a mix of both pictures)
There is a writing challenge she took on, I am attempting to do the same, although this will be three days in one and hell I may keep 2-3 days at a time because I’m not sure I will be writing every day.
In a sense, my eating could be considered emotional.
I mean when I am stressed out? I stop eating. It is tied to my mind in the sense that my mind has convinced me that I’ll get fat if I eat like a human being. All types of eating disorders can dig their dirty fucking claws into our minds and make us think things that just aren’t true. It’s a part of me, much like everything in my past but I will conquer it like 99% of my past.
So, it’s a 30-day challenge and I’d like to finish it by the end of August, so I guess we will see how I do, if I can stay on track, I find it impossible to concentrate on anything, I forget everything, and my mind is 70 places at once at best. Worth a shot, though right?
Day – 1
Who am I?
- I’m a single mother to two amazing boys
- I am an Autism mama
- I’m strong and a fighter
- I’m stubborn as all hell
- I have great will power, dedication, and drive
- I’m independent to a fault
- I rarely give up
- If I make a promise, I’ll go to the end of the world to keep it
I’m a woman who:
- Can 90% of the time only see the flaws in herself
- Can’t access all her emotions
- Has lost over 100 lbs
- Handles anxiety, PTSD, ADHD and an eating disorder daily
- Works out harder than anyone she knows
- Can’t see what everyone else see’s
- See’s the starting weight she was at the start of her journey in the mirror
- A woman who struggles with loving herself
- A woman who struggles very hard in providing self-care
- A woman who can’t see what she’s overcome or all the things she has achieved
Who have I been?
- I have been weaker
- I have been less independent
- I have been beaten, broken and abused
- I have been the girl who hides under layers because I hated myself more than now
- I have been the girl who hides her arms because she spent the night before cutting perfectly straight lines into her skin- just to feel
- I have been the girl who thought about how to end it, more than once
- I have been the girl who tried to make men love her, whatever that took
- I have been the girl who drinks to the bottom of the bottle just to escape the flashes of the past burned into her mind
Who do I want to be?
Honestly, I want to stay the same amount of independent and strong, maybe a little less stubborn but not by much. I want to stay the same personality wise. I just want to learn to love myself for who I am and not what I look like, I want to be able to feel all my emotions, I want to be able to give myself credit where it is due.
I want to finish school, be something, make something of myself, be in a position where I don’t ever have to worry again if money will stretch far enough to be comfortable. I want to never worry again if I can provide for my kiddos and always provide food on the table. I want to help people, I want to spread awareness of domestic violence and be a voice for those who cannot speak out yet. I want to be a role model my children can look up to and be proud that I am their mother, I want them to grow into amazing fucking people. I want to be happy as much as the average to above average person, I want to be me just better, improved.
What do I want most in life? How can I get it?
I want to be happy, I want to love myself so damn much. I want to not over analyze every decision I make, I don’t want to second guess myself, I don’t want to feel unworthy. I want to not give a shit what people think of me, I want to feel freer.
I believe I can get there once I go to treatment for my eating disorder to see I am worthy, I am enough. I have a few or more years of therapy ahead of me, as much as I am not a fan of digging through the trenches of the past? I am fucking so ready to be better, to not have blinders on.
I want to be a role model for my kids and for them not to need therapy to heal from their childhoods.
I can get there by never giving up, working hard, showing them that nothing worth having comes easy, showing them what means the most in life: Good Character, your word and work ethic, I continue to go to therapy, so I can hopefully be the best mom I can possibly be so that they won’t need to recover from their childhood.
I want to be an activity coordinator for a long-term care facility,
I want to become a voice for the voiceless, those who don’t feel strong enough to speak of their pasts, I want to raise the awareness for domestic violence, I want to provide a way to teach survivors self-defense to help raise confidence, awareness and inner peace.
I want to help people; the business isn’t all I am about. I’d love if it was successful, but it isn’t my core it’s a layer.
I can achieve these by finishing school, reaching out to places to find the ways to become a public speaker to raise awareness.
What are my biggest barriers? Why do they block me? How can I work with them?
- Myself- honestly, I am not 100% why I sabotage myself, I can imagine that it intertwines with self-loathing and most people in my past have always done it for me, so I feel now I must do it myself. I can work with this through therapy and trying hard to stay on track of success.
- Toxic People- because they are toxic? They aren’t happy with themselves and feel the need to bring me to their level. I can work with this by removing the people that I can remove and going low contact with the others, realizing where the hate comes from and realize it hasn’t anything to do with my worth.
I will do my best to actually stick to this and write the next 27 days, it may be mushed together like this one, but I will try!
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