I will forget to go to my own funeral

Imagine what happened? I forgot to, I made excuses, I put off journaling. I will do it later, I will do it tonight, I will do it tomorrow. If I lived my life like this? Nothing would ever get done! I said I’d promise I would try, I have 8 days missed. Not posted, I have 8 days point form notes, scribbles, notes on my phone and thought about the day. I will compile 4 and 4 seems good ish. Here goes, bear with me… or don’t lol.


Day 4

This year I most want to… and I will achieve this by….

  • I most want to start treatment for my eating disorder – I will achieve this by attending therapy and the program that I signed up for.
  • I most want to heal, deal and let shit go – I will achieve this by continuing therapy, reading books and writing.
  • I most want to set a better example for my kids – I will achieve this by keep being me and the above methods.
  • I most want to accept my body through changes – I will achieve this by talking to myself better, leave the shit talk for someone else.

{very different pictures, I was mid whatever the hell I was doing on the left when the timer went off, I am beginning to see in pictures that it is me! That I may actually look like that, and it’s not the huge whale I see in the mirror. The right I accept more because of the muscles I have built, the time I have spent in the gym, the sacrifices I have made to be that way}

  • I want to reach a high GPA in my 3rd semester and push myself outside of my comfort zones – I will achieve this by doing things I wouldn’t normally do and working hard in class.


Day 5

How can I invest in myself, my health and my joy this year?

  • I can push harder for success in the mental aspect as hard as I do for the physical aspect of myself.
  • I can try harder to eat, I can book an appointment with the doctor.
  • I can inform my mind to read more and digest all the information.
  • I can keep lifting and reach joyous personal records but also not hate myself for not.
  • I can act sillier around my kids, letting them see that you don’t have to be so serious.
  • I can let myself love a little harder, open up to loving new things.

unnamed (34)


  • I can embrace that the few people close to me, probably aren’t going anywhere.
  • I can learn to process and accept things I cannot change, let go of the picture I painted that I wanted for my life to be.



Day 6

Looking back over the past 5 days of writing, what patterns can I now see about myself and where I am headed?

That I want help, that I want to accept the help to get better.

I feel I am headed for success, regardless of who stands behind, beside me or in my way.


Day 7

How does food make me feel? How do I wish I felt about food?


Oh food, what a bitch. Honestly right now if I never had to eat again? I’d be happy as fuck. Food makes me feel like a chore, it makes me feel fat, it makes me feel huge. I hate eating, I hate that meat makes me ill this last year. I hate that I can’t eat dairy. I hate that I must eat.

Honestly, I am jealous of others who have no problem with food. I can calculate almost all the calories in things at this point, I have been tracking what I eat for the last 1592 days.

I wasn’t always this way, I use to overeat… someone told me many years ago that I would feel better if I ate my emotions. It doesn’t work, now if I get stressed, have a bad day, or am too busy I won’t eat at all. I know this fucks up my progress, I know that this stalls my lifts, I know that this isn’t fucking normal. It’s so hard, I hate food.

I wish it wasn’t an issue, I wish that I could be excited to eat, I wish that I didn’t have to distract myself to eat most meals. I wish that I could eat and not feel fat, I wish I could freely eat, I wish I wasn’t controlled by food. I wish that this never became an issue, I wish that I loved food. I wish I didn’t have to consume half my meals in drink form aka smoothies with craploads of stuff, so I can just drink and be done.


Day 8

Why do I eat? What 3 words describe my relationship with food right now? What 3 words do I wish described it?

I eat because I must, I eat because after 16-20 hours of fasting I start to feel weak and dizzy and when the caffeine won’t curb the hunger anymore I know I must eat something.

3 words right now?

  • Bad
  • Terrifying
  • Hate

3 words I wish?

  • Healthy Relationship (2 words but who’s really counting)
  • Love
  • Normal

Day 9 (why not, it’s the last food question, stay tuned next blog will be about the body)

If my emotional eating has a message what is it trying to tell me?

This is interesting because I don’t really know. I’m sure someone looking in on my life could rattle of reasons.

Perhaps it comes full circle to control, I feel so out of control to different aspects of my life, but when I am stressed, or bad things happen? I certainly can control what I have eaten or will be eating. I’ve usually always had someone in the picture to sabotage my progress, just a little bit and maybe now I feel I must pick up the slack.


6 days of notes thrown together, I will work on the next couple days and here’s to hoping I can not put it off for a week.


Self – Love~ Health~ Change


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