The Blue or the Red Pill?

Almost being on track here!

Honestly wanted to have a nap, but remembered that although I say “Hey, I think I will blog this tonight” that it won’t happen.

This next block of questions goes to the body, I assume how you see yourself, how you feel etc.

Day 10

What is my body? How do I connect food and my body?

My body, hmm well it’s a vessel I put through hell 6 days week, I push it as hard as it will go every day that I am in the gym. I get mad at it often for not doing what I want. Which is directly usually connected to food and my body.

Losing 100 pounds, it’s fucking hard, it’s also easy if that makes sense? In a way it was easy when I look back now, I mean it was easy to lose the first 50 for sure. I would like to lose 10-15 now and it feels impossible.

My body has grown two children, it’s been cut open twice to let the humans out.

My body has been hurt by others, broken bones and bruises.

My body has gone from a size 24 to a size 4 to a size 10-12 all within 4.5 years. That’s crazy when you think about it. My body has built muscle and strength, become more balanced and agile.

Food and my body? I am sure somewhere in there that my body loves food and my mind has trained it to be like you need no food which is straight up bullshit.

I know that food is fuel, I know this. I am not in any way stupid about this, but it’s so fucking hard. I sure didn’t gain those 100lbs overnight but for some reason, I believe the eating disorder that I will obviously gain 100 lbs overnight. It’s exhausting if I am being honest.


Day 11

If I could take a magic pill and have my dream body, what would it be?

I’d have the same body I have now, mostly; I would change a few things:

  • I’d be leaner
  • I’d have very little loose skin
  • I’d have a flat stomach
  • I’d grow a few inches taller
  • I’d fix my lip so it has feeling and wouldn’t have the scar that hardball left
  • I’d have better quads

These are all goals really, except I don’t think I’ll ever have a flat stomach or lose my loose skin or change my lip or grow taller lol. I’d take away the stretch marks while we were wishing for dream bodies.

Day 12

Dear body, I love you because…

Because you rarely give up, you take all the workouts I throw at you, all the insane shit I can come up with and you rarely give out. That is fucking awesome of you.

Because you housed and grew two of my best friends, my little men- for that? Thank you, thank you for being able to do that.

Because even though we fall down a lot- literally, you don’t really break or get super badly hurt, so kudos.

Because I use to hurt you a lot, I use to find a release in self-harm and I left you pretty scarred up, I’m sorry about that. We have fought really hard with the mind to stop that and we have mostly succeeded.

I’m sorry because I don’t feed you properly, I mean you worked so hard to lose weight and inches and literally changed shape!

I’m sorry that I don’t treat you all that nice, I am trying- I promise.



Up to date! Go me lol.

Here is to hoping I can finish this and not in a week or two again.

Be a part of the inspiration 


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