Apologies to my body & mind

Hey! Guess who forgot to post again? lol

I didn’t fully forget, I took a few unplug days this week to spend time with my 2 favorite boys. Because HELLO? Summer literally went Juuuunne, JulAug, Damn near September. Why can winter not fly by like summer? No, it has to drag like the cold bullshit it is lol.

Day 13

When I Look in the mirror, I feel…

I feel weird, I can look into the mirror and only see the lady who weighed 285lbs, I can look into the mirror and wonder who the fuck is looking at me. Strange right? I mean I know all this is an actual thing that happens and a disorder that happens. But to me it is the strangest thing ever, I mean sometimes I look in the mirror and I recognize myself, but then I point out all my flaws of losing the weight. WTF Tanya! Come on, look in the mirror and give a compliment, I tried that- for real I really did, I told myself I loved myself and told that reflection something great about them every morning, for months. It did nothing really. So I’m sorry body and mind because you deserve to work together, you deserve to like actually love each other more.

Day 14

What are my biggest daily challenges with food and body?

Food challenges:

  • Making myself eat
  • Wanting to eat
  • Finding things to eat that aren’t gross (thanks body for hating meat & dairy)
  • Giving a shit about myself enough to eat
  • The guilt I feel after eating.

Body Challenges:

  • Finding clothes to wear that doesn’t make me feel fat, or what I think make me look fat.
  • Making my body go through all the workouts and training even when it doesn’t want to.
  • Getting tired so often from not eating.
  • Not seeing my body for what it is.
  • Seeing fat where it is not.

Day 15

If I didn’t have these problems, how would my life be different?

I believe that if I didn’t have these problems my life would be different because I would eat like a normal training person, I wouldn’t feel guilty, I wouldn’t enjoy the gnawing feeling of hunger which in turn would make my progress go further than it has. My lifts would probably be better, my workouts would generally be great, I would probably have reached my personal weight goals by now.

I believe if I didn’t have these problems, I would feel better about myself and not have all the thoughts that I do have, that I would be able to love myself more and enjoy life without the constant thoughts of food and weight.

Day 16

What did I learn about food and body from my mother?

hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahah, thanks for the joke 30-day journal.

I learned that you should try every yo-yo diet and get your kid to join, only eat vegetables for dinner so you end up hating the very being of said vegetable when you are older.

Actually, I learned what not to do, I learned that patches, diet pills, and yo-yo stupid ass fad diets? Don’t work. They aren’t sustainable and nor should you eat cabbage soup forever.

Day 17

Looking back over the past 16 days of writing, what patterns or understandings can I see about myself, food and my body?

  • That I want to change and get better.
  • That my inner critic is a total bitch.
  • That I have a problem bigger than me with food.
  • That I did the right approach in asking for help with all of this.
  • That One day I am going to see me? For me!

pine

 

Be A Part Of The Inspiration 

 

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