Starting to look deeper

So I don’t think I’ve done too bad on the 30-day journal thing, I don’t blog it every day because I feel that would be too many posts, so I keep little notes everywhere.

Hey, I do that to remember things too… good luck to my kids in the future when I can’t remember anything.

Day 18

What do I feel stressed, guilty or angry about? What do I with these feelings? What do I feel joyous, happy and abundant about? What do I do with these feelings?

Stressed about?

Money, making the ends meet, not being good enough, not being a good enough mother, stress about gaining weight.

Guilty about? 

Wanting to do things for myself- more times than not I don’t do anything because I feel like I would be a burden in asking for help.

Guilt surrounds my eating disorder, not wanting to eat but then also not wanting to set a bad example for my kiddos, it’s a sheet that follows me the fuck around.

Angry about? 

Hahaha, do you got a lot of time? I won’t lay it out, people get butthurt so easy.

I’m angry that my life experiences have set me up to feel the way I do about myself, I am angry that abusers get to just walk away and live their lives without having to deal with the aftermath they left. I’m angry that most people can’t respect you or your boundaries, I’m angry that I get caught in the cycle of eating and not.

What do I do?

I use it all to fuel my workouts, I write blogs, I clean and I talk it out with friends and my therapist & counselor.

Joyus, happy & abundant about?

My kids, they light my life without them it would be an awfully dark place.

Two angels in disguise who remind me that even the black sheep, the outcast, the not good enough for most? Need help and some encouragement every now and then.

My best friend, she amazes me day after day, honestly, I have no a clue how she puts up with my shit, but I couldn’t imagine my life without her.

Someone in my life who makes me smile, no matter the emotion I’m feeling, broken down or angry.

I try to enjoy these feelings, keep them to help light the dark tunnels I keep walking through.

Day 19

Where do I practice forgiveness in my life? Where could I give more?

Almost everywhere, I actually had a goal this year to say sorry less, I haven’t succeeded yet, but hey maybe one day! Where could I give more? To myself.

Day 20

Write down everything in life that gives me pleasure or joy. What in my life makes me feel most alive and energized?

Joy

  • My kiddos, even though they drain my existence, one is intensely savage and it makes my life better, the other’s laugh makes my heart smile.
  • Music… if I couldn’t have it? I’d probably lose my entire mind.
  • My best friend,
  • My friends.
  • New Personal records on lifts.
  • Lifting
  • Finding vegetarian recipes that don’t taste like shit.

Alive

hmmm, it’s an interesting question really. What makes you feel alive?

Training, it’s the biggest thing I can think of, other than the dreaded therapy and shit but I think the question is aiming at positive things.

Day 21

I feel most at peace and connected when I (fill in the blank) except my mind is blank at this, I have no fucking idea. Most at peace? Peace? You mean I can find something to connect with that will calm the chaos in my mind? This is not a question I can answer, I will keep looking for something that makes me connected and at peace.

4 this time, I am not falling too hard behind. I really thought that I would, that I would just like end it and forget and write a month in one blog.

 

Be A Part Of The Inspiration

 

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