Wouldn’t ya know it? I forgot to post, I had a busy awesome weekend so there is that. I have had a couple busy adulty weeks trying to get things ready for back to school and such so I’ve been checking stuff off the list of things to do.
On the home stretch of being finished this journal though, also HOW THE FUCK IS IT basically September? ugh.
What advice would I like to give younger me?
Gee, a lot of advice; depends if we are talking about just eating or everything?
I would tell younger me, before slipping into the hole of the eating disorder, the signs were there, the flags waved- at that point you should have reached for help.
When you hated yourself at every weight you got to? You should have taken it as a sign to get help, to stop.
Overall? to be more aware, to speak the fuck up, to tell people regardless of how scared you were of the end results. I wouldn’t change anything about my life to this point, I don’t think I’d be as strong as I am, however I would go back & change that I let fear hold me quiet. I do wish I broke the silence, as a child, as a teenager and as an adult.
What advice would older me probably want to tell “now” me?
This too shall pass, you hear it and you roll your eyes right? Cliche as Fuck.
However, I’ve overcome so many things, I feel like we will break through this wall and get to the other side and another wall will slam down on me & I’ll crash through it too.
Take chances, tell people how you really fucking feel, be less scared.
What would it mean if I was good enough?
Deep question, It would mean I wouldn’t ever have to question my decisions, I would not have to wonder if I was good enough, I wouldn’t ever have to wonder if I was making it as a mother, as a friend, as a person. I wouldn’t worry as much, I wouldn’t be filled with questions about myself and my abilities.
Looking over the last 25 days what patterns can I see?
That I seek help, that I am willing to change, that I want to get better.
That I am strong, that I can overcome things.
What 3 things am I grateful for? What am I most looking forward to?
- My children, it’s not a right to have children, it’s a privilege. Those kids teach me more everyday.
- A small amount of people that take up less than all the fingers on my hand, that just don’t give up on me, hell I don’t know how to be honest, but the small list I have? I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.
- My strength. It’s shitty how I got to the place I am but I wouldn’t change it.
I’m most looking forward to the future, because we can’t change what has happened in the past, we can’t erase things that have happened. I’m looking forward to finishing school and proving to myself and a few MFs that I can and will do it.
What do I wish I’d done differently in? Why? What would be different now?
Honestly, I think seeking a trainer or a nutritionist when I reached my lowest weight and wasn’t happy. When I saw where I could get to and hated myself. Although I didn’t fully love myself when I was 285, I didn’t loathe myself, I did when I hit 145 lbs and I think I should have taken it as a sign to reach out for help, to find a different way to eat and train. I think it could have helped me realize I had the start of an eating disorder even 3 years ago, I think it could have helped me change the course of how I ended up handling it.
Well, this one has no pictures, that’s a first for me. I have 3 days left so I will ***fingers crossed*** remember to drop that one out on Friday.
I liked this challenge, I liked the way it challenged me to really look at myself and where I can change and how I think.
Be a part of the inspiration