I know, I know its definitely been a min since I wrote a blog.
I put my head down over the last month or so and pushed forward, working as hard as possible to achieve what I aimed to achieve.
I have been listening to Fearless motivation on the reply for weeks, it drives me harder than any music available, it reminds me of what I am doing, it seeks out my heart and I work harder then I thought I could.
What did I really want over the last 2 years?
Apply to school
Do well in school
Never miss a workout
Start healing from the past
Go NC with an abuser
Remove toxic people from my life
Be a better parent
Make new friends
What have I accomplished from this broad set of goals?
- I applied to school, got in and started Sept/17, I am going into 4th and final semester hauling ass, I worked very hard to end up with a high GPA, grades mean everything to me when it comes to school, my level of success is based on how much effort and work I put into becoming the best I can be.
- Never Miss a workout, I really didn’t not when in school (Had to after the almost died in the 5k bullshit) However many of times I heard “Just wait till your in school, the real world you will give up working out” Thanks for not believing in my determination and drive because I never missed a workout- I sacrificed sleep to wake every single morning and get that workout in.
- Healing from the past, its hard- so fucking hard. Therapist and Counselor appointments 4 x a month for 18 months and I have come so far, my eyes are opened and it doesn’t matter what happened in the past, I will heal and overcome and rise again.
- Going NC with an abuser, it was hard and I slipped up once or twice but I persevered because that is how you get shit done. The abuse may seem familiar and if you have gone through it most of your life? It’s like your favorite comforter- which is sad and makes me feel sick, but like anything else you keep going forward because the only way to get to the next step? Is to keep pushing, push past the pain and the fear.
- Remove toxic people from my life- I have also done this, when I know a person is toxic I cut them out of my headspace, they don’t deserve a spot. Toxic people are everywhere and they will try to pull you down but you don’t have to go- Just remember that they are where they are because of their choices the beauty is you choose what you want to be.
- In removing toxic people from my life? I have become a better parent, without the extra stress of toxicity I have the capacity to be the parent I want to be. I have the will to carry forward with a warmer heart and less anger.
- I didn’t make any new friends really, but when you are chasing everything you want? When you are working as hard as you can to achieve your goals? Social life is going to have to sit this one out for a while.
I am able to say through self-awareness that it is ok, it is ok that I am proud of myself. Because if you are not proud of yourself? How do you expect anyone else to be proud of your achievements?
I am proud because I worked hard, I made deans list last semester, I finished this semester with a higher GPA than the prior semester. I never missed a workout, my house was always clean & my kids are happy and healthy- I did this with very little support, I did this single handily, it was me who did all the chores, it was me who woke up every morning and pushed through the workout. It was me who did every paper, every project, studied harder than last semester. So for that? I am proud. For that, I am thankful to the small handful of people I can count on one hand who are in my corner.
Everything is not sunshine, rainbows, and beautiful skies, we all know this about life. It’ll fucking kill you if you let it. It depends who you align yourself with, it depends on how you think. I believed in me, I doubted my abilities often but I believed in me enough to push through everything thrown at me, I struggled up the mountains that stood in my way trying to break me but I didn’t throw in the towel, I didn’t stop going to class, I didn’t let my anxiety or my mental health hold me down. Anything is possible if you are just willing to try hard enough, your best plus some more. Your wellness can be strengthened when you push past fear when you push outside your comfort zone to get to the place you didn’t think was possible.
I wanted to touch on a subject that could be talked about for hours and days, a majority of people have a shitty childhood, or they have things that happened to them that make their past worse than others. I have endured a past that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, I have been through more things than the average bear, but it doesn’t define me. The loss of a close family member doesn’t make me less than anyone else, the abuse as I was a young child? Doesn’t make me any less likely to succeed, The abuse scattered through past relationships doesn’t make me broken or defective just different. The ongoing abuse from family throughout my life? Doesn’t define me- I define me. A lot of people use the excuse of bad shit happened so now I am going to be a shitty person, I am not going to succeed because I had a bad childhood- It’s an excuse, a cop-out, sheer bullshit.
What I do carrying onward from this past shit is what defines me, we all have greatness inside of us we either use it and rise above or we don’t and just be a shitty floater through life.
Haters, people think they are going to be acquaintances, friends or strangers, your enemies. I didn’t realize your biggest haters in life could be disguised as a family or close friends. I know who I am now more than ever and I know what I am capable of doing, I know that I don’t need many people in my life to succeed.
Know that you have the ability to be great
You choose what you will become, a pile of ashes or you can rise from the ground and become something more powerful & beautiful than you ever thought possible.
Have a wonderful holiday & A happy New Year
Be The Inspiration