The first time broke down, young, innocent and pure
I trusted in him, to not hurt me, to not turn me into a fighter so young
Believing the threats of hurting my loved ones, hurting someone younger
I did what I was told, memories elude me- flashbacks reoccur
This hit and run trauma has my brain upside down and scrambled
Memories and feelings flushing in and out, unable to make them quiet
Flashbacks of broken ribs, fists in my face, the eerie sense of death ahead
Threats to end me, to make me pay for something I hadn’t done.
The second time, no didn’t mean no.
I will never understand why so many people, don’t seem to understand.
When someone says no- it means no. It never means take what you want.
It never means, take what you want and make the person feel ashamed.
The third time, I met a monster and fell down the hole into hell
Attempts to end me forever were made too many times, bruises and scars.
Broken ribs because the floor wasn’t clean enough, flashbacks pull me back
There must be a greater purpose for me than just being someone else’s punching bag, to make it out alive and fight another day.
The final time, the time that pushed me past my limit, pushed me to seek help. To never accept bad love and punishment at the hand of a man.
The final time, mentally in my head- making me worthless and broken.
I don’t understand why these men took what they wanted from me.
Why they could use me for their sick pleasure and put their hands on me. Walking away to live their normal life.
The only solace I can find is that I am stronger-from it
Whereas the monsters from my past- will always just be the same.
I rebuilt myself better than before. I am strong enough now to be the voice for the voiceless, to stand and make a difference.
The trauma of the other day has shaken my insides and made me feel things I have buried for a very long time, the darkest areas of my brain opened.
The dust will settle, the dark parts close again, I will move forward.
Because if nothing else, I am made to stand as tall as I can
To fight another day, to try to make a difference
To inspire another person, to make a change
To know after climbing out of the depths of hell, I could laugh at the devil, after surviving everything meant to break me.
Here I stand, chasing goals, seeing my worth for the first time and knowing I will make a difference, knowing I can do anything. Because my purpose is far deeper than anything sent to end me.